bipolar depression

On any given day, I can feel my blood pressure rise, my heart begins to pound fast, and then my breathing shallows. My thoughts become too incredibly fast for me to figure out what they mean. In my speaking I begin stuttering and stopping mid-sentence to talk about something else. I get angry and chase other drivers who cut me off. And this is also the time I begin to try every idea I have ever had. This usually goes on for about 2 weeks or so, then CRASH.


I can't stay awake to save my life. I eat, and eat, and eat, and eat. And I feel like I am in a bad dream, somewhat similar to dysphoria I felt when in heroin withdrawal. I walk from the store to my car and try to think about anything except going home and taking all my sleep meds and anxiety meds at the same time and washing it back with a bottle of some fine Arbor Mist. What did that friend tell me? Oh yeah, turn to Jesus. I feel His strong arms carrying me, I know He hates what am going through. I rest my head on His shoulder and ask Him where all my hope and joy has gone. Why is He allowing this? Am I like Job, being attacked by the enemy?
Nope, just bipolar depression. And because it's not an emotional problem, but rather a hereditary disease, it can only be managed and not cured.
I feel the pain of the loss of my will to live 2 or 3 times a year. Christ envelopes me in Himself and allows me to see Himself. This is only temporary. I'll be able to face the world again soon. Until then I can find a safe refuge in the One who created me. Even so, it is still really scary when the disease I can not control is whispering death, death, and more death.
Sometimes I don't know how much is too much to share. I am struggling right now and it's taking all I have in me to keep the abundance of pain in me from hurting those around me or hurting myself. There is so much confusion and misinformation about bipolar depression. And I thought I would use this opportunity(opportunity=my current manic/depressive episode) to shed some light on the illness. I have heard and read that this is a disease of the emotions, or that it's brought on because I am(or am not) doing something. If there was anything in this word I could do to keep my body from betraying me, I would. Unfortunately, this is somehow what is going to bring Christ the glory. I love my Lord and I do not believe for one second that He wants his for me. But I trust and know that He is my strength through this very difficult time.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie