On any given day, I can feel my blood pressure rise, my heart begins to pound fast, and then my breathing shallows. My thoughts become too incredibly fast for me to figure out what they mean. In my speaking I begin stuttering and stopping mid-sentence to talk about something else. I get angry and chase other drivers who cut me off. And this is also the time I begin to try every idea I have ever had. This usually goes on for about 2 weeks or so, then CRASH.
I can't stay awake to save my life. I eat, and eat, and eat, and eat. And I feel like I am in a bad dream, somewhat similar to dysphoria I felt when in heroin withdrawal. I walk from the store to my car and try to think about anything except going home and taking all my sleep meds and anxiety meds at the same time and washing it back with a bottle of some fine Arbor Mist. What did that friend tell me? Oh yeah, turn to Jesus. I feel His strong arms carrying me, I know He hates what am going through. I rest my head on His shoulder and ask Him where all my hope and joy has gone. Why is He allowing this? Am I like Job, being attacked by the enemy?
Nope, just bipolar depression. And because it's not an emotional problem, but rather a hereditary disease, it can only be managed and not cured.
I feel the pain of the loss of my will to live 2 or 3 times a year. Christ envelopes me in Himself and allows me to see Himself. This is only temporary. I'll be able to face the world again soon. Until then I can find a safe refuge in the One who created me. Even so, it is still really scary when the disease I can not control is whispering death, death, and more death.
Sometimes I don't know how much is too much to share. I am struggling right now and it's taking all I have in me to keep the abundance of pain in me from hurting those around me or hurting myself. There is so much confusion and misinformation about bipolar depression. And I thought I would use this opportunity(opportunity=my current manic/depressive episode) to shed some light on the illness. I have heard and read that this is a disease of the emotions, or that it's brought on because I am(or am not) doing something. If there was anything in this word I could do to keep my body from betraying me, I would. Unfortunately, this is somehow what is going to bring Christ the glory. I love my Lord and I do not believe for one second that He wants his for me. But I trust and know that He is my strength through this very difficult time.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
sharing my reasons
So I'm heading on over to the Crunchy Mama blog because I want to write about healthy mom stuff. I just finished up lesson planning and realized that we are getting close to the end of the year. It is our 4th official year homeschooling even though my oldest is completing 2nd grade. Silly me, I bought and implemented a strict pre-k curriculum because I thought that without one my child would never get into a university one day. Ever since, I have been sold on the way of life homeschooling creates for us. A friend of mine recently blogged about her reason for homeschooling and it was a fabulous read(head on over to Love, Bridget to read) . I want to share mine.
I believe that the Lord wants me to homeschool them. The Lord has asked me and my husband, deep in our hearts, to train them up to know Him. And He would water that seed so that they would one day love Him. I'm sure there are Christian parents who are able to raise their children up in Christ while the little ones attend school. I know a few. But, Chris and I need them for the bulk of the day in order to do that. While we are no longer under the law, I still like to do things that my Lord finds pleasing and has said is best... like raising our family up in Him. What does training my child up in the way he should go look like? Well, I don't have a formula, but it has to include being with them. That's how Christ teaches and reveals Himself.
I have a hard enough time keeping them from coveting the world when we walk through a store that has toys in it. Like most kids, mine covet. By spending most of their time at home, I can instill in them a sense of contentment with what we have. Again, that is not something I could do for about an hour each night(where does an hour a night come from? well, after dinner time, television, and homework, I figure I would have about an hour of real, quality time with them). I would think that it would be so much harder if they knew that not all kids wear second hand clothes.
I am sheltering them and proud to do so. There will be day when they will take part in the world's typical popularity contest, or best looking contest(like, in dating), but they will be homeschool graduates at this point. We plan to carry out God's plan for our family through high school. When it comes time for them to be a part of the world's system, they will have had 18 years of rock solid Christ laid as a foundation. The will have gotten to explore what they found interesting in "school" and therefore have confidence that what they do is important. John Gatto(New York's teacher of the year in 1991 and 1992, he was a NY teacher for 31 years) once explained what he taught in his class room.
"I teach children not to care too much about anything, even though they want to make it appear that they do. How I do this is subtle. I do it by demanding that they become totally involved in my lessons, jumping up ad down in their seats with anticipation, competing with each other vigorously for my attention. But when the bell rings I insist that they drop what they are doing and move on to the next station. They must turn on and off like a light switch. Years of bells will condition all but the strongest to a world that can no longer offer important work to do" Yeah, I remember that.
Too often today adults are discontent with what they are doing(remember my blog about wanting to go back to school even though I am living out my dream of being a homemaker) and we aren't passionate about anything. The Lord gave us everything on this earth and we get to learn about and discover and enjoy it! My heart would be broken if my kid chose playing a video game(or any other habit he would pick up if in school all week) over discovering the world. Being at home I can allow him all day to work on building a great city with his legos(future architect?) or creating the perfect coat of arms that reflects his values. They can read good books and not snippets of twaddle. And they can read for as long as they want and not be told that "reading time is over." They are kids- reading time should never be over. I want them to learn so they can discover things, not because a teacher told them to.
I know some amazing teachers. They are genuine and good hearted people who love the Lord. But I know that there are teachers in the schools that do not love the Lord and I would not want them training my children up all day. One comment could sow a seed of doubt into a fragile young mind. I want my boys to grow up to treat women like gold. They will respect them, honor them, and protect their virtue. I don't need them learning about sex in third grade like I did. I need them learning about the value Christ places on other humans, not how to violate them. I would also have problem with teaching children that they are special "just because." Even as a kid I knew that was garbage. I am not saying that I am going to do a wonderful job parenting my kids, I can only present Christ to them. And I believe that is all I'm asked to do,
I am going to have to end this post quickly as I need to attend to the kiddies. Thanks so much for reading!
Love,
Jackie
I believe that the Lord wants me to homeschool them. The Lord has asked me and my husband, deep in our hearts, to train them up to know Him. And He would water that seed so that they would one day love Him. I'm sure there are Christian parents who are able to raise their children up in Christ while the little ones attend school. I know a few. But, Chris and I need them for the bulk of the day in order to do that. While we are no longer under the law, I still like to do things that my Lord finds pleasing and has said is best... like raising our family up in Him. What does training my child up in the way he should go look like? Well, I don't have a formula, but it has to include being with them. That's how Christ teaches and reveals Himself.
I have a hard enough time keeping them from coveting the world when we walk through a store that has toys in it. Like most kids, mine covet. By spending most of their time at home, I can instill in them a sense of contentment with what we have. Again, that is not something I could do for about an hour each night(where does an hour a night come from? well, after dinner time, television, and homework, I figure I would have about an hour of real, quality time with them). I would think that it would be so much harder if they knew that not all kids wear second hand clothes.
I am sheltering them and proud to do so. There will be day when they will take part in the world's typical popularity contest, or best looking contest(like, in dating), but they will be homeschool graduates at this point. We plan to carry out God's plan for our family through high school. When it comes time for them to be a part of the world's system, they will have had 18 years of rock solid Christ laid as a foundation. The will have gotten to explore what they found interesting in "school" and therefore have confidence that what they do is important. John Gatto(New York's teacher of the year in 1991 and 1992, he was a NY teacher for 31 years) once explained what he taught in his class room.
"I teach children not to care too much about anything, even though they want to make it appear that they do. How I do this is subtle. I do it by demanding that they become totally involved in my lessons, jumping up ad down in their seats with anticipation, competing with each other vigorously for my attention. But when the bell rings I insist that they drop what they are doing and move on to the next station. They must turn on and off like a light switch. Years of bells will condition all but the strongest to a world that can no longer offer important work to do" Yeah, I remember that.
Too often today adults are discontent with what they are doing(remember my blog about wanting to go back to school even though I am living out my dream of being a homemaker) and we aren't passionate about anything. The Lord gave us everything on this earth and we get to learn about and discover and enjoy it! My heart would be broken if my kid chose playing a video game(or any other habit he would pick up if in school all week) over discovering the world. Being at home I can allow him all day to work on building a great city with his legos(future architect?) or creating the perfect coat of arms that reflects his values. They can read good books and not snippets of twaddle. And they can read for as long as they want and not be told that "reading time is over." They are kids- reading time should never be over. I want them to learn so they can discover things, not because a teacher told them to.
I know some amazing teachers. They are genuine and good hearted people who love the Lord. But I know that there are teachers in the schools that do not love the Lord and I would not want them training my children up all day. One comment could sow a seed of doubt into a fragile young mind. I want my boys to grow up to treat women like gold. They will respect them, honor them, and protect their virtue. I don't need them learning about sex in third grade like I did. I need them learning about the value Christ places on other humans, not how to violate them. I would also have problem with teaching children that they are special "just because." Even as a kid I knew that was garbage. I am not saying that I am going to do a wonderful job parenting my kids, I can only present Christ to them. And I believe that is all I'm asked to do,
I am going to have to end this post quickly as I need to attend to the kiddies. Thanks so much for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Thursday, January 5, 2012
death leads to life
Headaches, nausea, exhaustion, and pain; I've got them all. I would say that I'm pretty healthy so I wouldn't have thought this detox/cleanse would be so hard on me, but it is. I am thrilled to be having these side effects because they are all caused by toxins and "extras" dying off. I consider gluten, yeast, gastrointestinal bacterias, and a ton of other things I don't even know about to be "extras." I was doing okay before, but b no means felt great. On the road to feeling healthier, I must pass through the days/weeks of dying. Man, the parallel between this and our relationship with the Lord is so thick, I don't even have to spell it out.
So something that I was thinking about today was how I only wanted to feel minor symptoms and not really feel sick like I do. But when I felt noticeably worse than expected I got excited thinking about all the nasty things in me being killed and if I felt better, they wouldn't be dying off.
In my own life I get jealous, frustrated, and mad when I don't get my own way. I want my family, my social life, my church, and all my projects going on to go smoothly and be easy. I see it happen for others and wonder how I too can get everything to mold around me so flawlessly. And after a conversation about this with my husband, I felt encouraged.
If issues never came up in my family, I never would have grown to know myself the way I do. If my husband didn't have an aneurysm and need to be in the Mayo, I never would have found that I am the strongest girl I know(don't get your panties in a twist, I am fully aware that it was the Lord providing the strength). If I didn't feel so lonely in my current life, I never would have looked beyond my friends, family, and church to find the Source. I would have been content living off of other's Christ and never would have sought Him out in the fabulous way I did. If I never had bipolar, and crisis, and was never violated, I would not know joy, contentment, and peace in the way I do. Although sometimes I do feel like a tortured soul, I know Christ has carved out depth in me. Everything that hurts brings about growth, EVERYTHING. I may not always find out how, but I know that my Lord is so intricate and crafty that He wastes nothing.
I am actually to a place where I worry if things start going my way. If I am feeling popular, or I feel Christ is molding into what I want Him to be a little to easily, or if I am content in silly physical things like accomplishing everything on my list... my growth is stagnant. The only good feelings I trust are the ones that lead to gratitude and love.
I have to go now. Thing 1 is getting homeschool evaluated and I need to prepare. Thanks for reading me.
Love,
Jackie
So something that I was thinking about today was how I only wanted to feel minor symptoms and not really feel sick like I do. But when I felt noticeably worse than expected I got excited thinking about all the nasty things in me being killed and if I felt better, they wouldn't be dying off.
In my own life I get jealous, frustrated, and mad when I don't get my own way. I want my family, my social life, my church, and all my projects going on to go smoothly and be easy. I see it happen for others and wonder how I too can get everything to mold around me so flawlessly. And after a conversation about this with my husband, I felt encouraged.
If issues never came up in my family, I never would have grown to know myself the way I do. If my husband didn't have an aneurysm and need to be in the Mayo, I never would have found that I am the strongest girl I know(don't get your panties in a twist, I am fully aware that it was the Lord providing the strength). If I didn't feel so lonely in my current life, I never would have looked beyond my friends, family, and church to find the Source. I would have been content living off of other's Christ and never would have sought Him out in the fabulous way I did. If I never had bipolar, and crisis, and was never violated, I would not know joy, contentment, and peace in the way I do. Although sometimes I do feel like a tortured soul, I know Christ has carved out depth in me. Everything that hurts brings about growth, EVERYTHING. I may not always find out how, but I know that my Lord is so intricate and crafty that He wastes nothing.
I am actually to a place where I worry if things start going my way. If I am feeling popular, or I feel Christ is molding into what I want Him to be a little to easily, or if I am content in silly physical things like accomplishing everything on my list... my growth is stagnant. The only good feelings I trust are the ones that lead to gratitude and love.
I have to go now. Thing 1 is getting homeschool evaluated and I need to prepare. Thanks for reading me.
Love,
Jackie
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
doing a cleanse
For Christmas this past year, my husband gave me the gift of health. It came in the form of 2 month colon cleanse(Colonix, a remarkable herbal cleanse company) with a heavy metal detox and liver and kidney cleanse added in after a month. I did a similar cleanse right before we moved to Gainesville, so about a year and a half ago.
The last time I did this cleanse it cleared up my eczema, helped my bowels to work in a healthy way, and took away my cravings for sweets. After finishing the cleanse I had an appetite for healthful foods, instead of the unhealthy ones I am constantly fighting against. Over time with our unhealthy American foods, this body of mine drifted back. I eat healthy oils, organic meats and fruits & vegetables, and drink a lot of water, but I also drink coffee twice daily and love my sweets! Over time, my struggles began to rear their ugly heads.
Cleanses are meant to redirect the focus of a body to the proper balance. When the body is too acidic, we develop cancer. When our pH levels are off our eye color begins to darken, and with all the daily toxins we can't avoid, our bodies will not work optimally.
Without doing a cleanse my body *will* run and I can live in it, but it becomes overweight, I become sensitive to allergies, sluggish, my hair isn't healthy and shiny. Without a cleanse I will lean towards being the 1 out of 2 adults that gets cancer during my lifetime. If you've ever met anyone who's been healed of cancer using holistic methods, they will rave the benefits of cleanses to you as well!
A physical cleanse strips the body of toxic build up. A spiritual cleanse does the same and I am doing them simultaneously. I am pulling back from the world, my friends, and family in order to spend time seeking the Lord's mind on some things. If we don't do that, even the most spiritual of souls will become stagnant, bitter, or chaotic.
Over and over I have seen it happen. Especially in the institutional church, where the condition is called "burnout."
Whenever I notice my thoughts becoming louder than Christ's in my head, I am due for a redirection. When I feel like I have to push until I get my way, even if that way is a Christ-filled way, I know I need a break. When I notice others pushing their agendas, instead of looking at the log in my own eye, I am due for a time out. The Lord does so much when he's given a specific time to be just His. A spiritual cleanse for me, is a perfect time to shed negativity and to realign my priorities. If I've put my kid's academics before their spiritual teaching, this is the time I am given to change that. If I have put my social life before my family, I am given the opportunity to make amends to my family.
As you can probably tell by now, a cleanse is really a whole mindset for me. It's a complete redirection when my whole life has shifted to about two degrees off. To the naked eye, you can't really see it, but when spending time learning Christ's mind it's clear.
I am only beginning my cleanse and have a long way to go, but I am already feeling the harmony between my body and my mind. I am already developing the sense of awareness needed to deal with difficult people and situations, and the peace to let it be. Christ is giving me this gift. Our bodies are not worthless, they are so precious that the wife of Christ is referred to as a Body. Mine is being unclogged, infused with health, and aligned with the proper acid/alkaline balance. Most importantly, I am being restored to the highest place. In the light of Christ, uneasiness melts away, pride fades, and the desire to be someone dims. I am empty, except for Him.
I plan on continuing to write about cleansing this month. There is a lot of misinformation swirling about and folks without medical degrees giving dangerous advice. I will give references from credible sources for any claims I write, in order to back it all up. I also want to add a disclaimer that cleanses are NOT meant to be permanent diet choices. This causes allergies and a host of illnesses. It's just not healthy.
Thanks for reading! As always, I enjoy the doing the journey with you.
Love,
Jackie
The last time I did this cleanse it cleared up my eczema, helped my bowels to work in a healthy way, and took away my cravings for sweets. After finishing the cleanse I had an appetite for healthful foods, instead of the unhealthy ones I am constantly fighting against. Over time with our unhealthy American foods, this body of mine drifted back. I eat healthy oils, organic meats and fruits & vegetables, and drink a lot of water, but I also drink coffee twice daily and love my sweets! Over time, my struggles began to rear their ugly heads.
Cleanses are meant to redirect the focus of a body to the proper balance. When the body is too acidic, we develop cancer. When our pH levels are off our eye color begins to darken, and with all the daily toxins we can't avoid, our bodies will not work optimally.
Without doing a cleanse my body *will* run and I can live in it, but it becomes overweight, I become sensitive to allergies, sluggish, my hair isn't healthy and shiny. Without a cleanse I will lean towards being the 1 out of 2 adults that gets cancer during my lifetime. If you've ever met anyone who's been healed of cancer using holistic methods, they will rave the benefits of cleanses to you as well!
A physical cleanse strips the body of toxic build up. A spiritual cleanse does the same and I am doing them simultaneously. I am pulling back from the world, my friends, and family in order to spend time seeking the Lord's mind on some things. If we don't do that, even the most spiritual of souls will become stagnant, bitter, or chaotic.
Over and over I have seen it happen. Especially in the institutional church, where the condition is called "burnout."
Whenever I notice my thoughts becoming louder than Christ's in my head, I am due for a redirection. When I feel like I have to push until I get my way, even if that way is a Christ-filled way, I know I need a break. When I notice others pushing their agendas, instead of looking at the log in my own eye, I am due for a time out. The Lord does so much when he's given a specific time to be just His. A spiritual cleanse for me, is a perfect time to shed negativity and to realign my priorities. If I've put my kid's academics before their spiritual teaching, this is the time I am given to change that. If I have put my social life before my family, I am given the opportunity to make amends to my family.
As you can probably tell by now, a cleanse is really a whole mindset for me. It's a complete redirection when my whole life has shifted to about two degrees off. To the naked eye, you can't really see it, but when spending time learning Christ's mind it's clear.
I am only beginning my cleanse and have a long way to go, but I am already feeling the harmony between my body and my mind. I am already developing the sense of awareness needed to deal with difficult people and situations, and the peace to let it be. Christ is giving me this gift. Our bodies are not worthless, they are so precious that the wife of Christ is referred to as a Body. Mine is being unclogged, infused with health, and aligned with the proper acid/alkaline balance. Most importantly, I am being restored to the highest place. In the light of Christ, uneasiness melts away, pride fades, and the desire to be someone dims. I am empty, except for Him.
I plan on continuing to write about cleansing this month. There is a lot of misinformation swirling about and folks without medical degrees giving dangerous advice. I will give references from credible sources for any claims I write, in order to back it all up. I also want to add a disclaimer that cleanses are NOT meant to be permanent diet choices. This causes allergies and a host of illnesses. It's just not healthy.
Thanks for reading! As always, I enjoy the doing the journey with you.
Love,
Jackie
Thursday, December 15, 2011
removing specks
It's a crunchy mom kind of day. I am feeling exhausted from a night without good sleep and have decided to take a day "off". Last night I was up every hour or so after having nightmares... extremely vivid and scary nightmares. I took melatonin(completely natural sleep aid that I take every so often) and can't believe that I reacted to it this way. Take caution when reading, I need to vent...
Maybe because of how I got pregnant, maybe because I was a single mom for the first few years(I moved in with my parents to give the hubby time to get his crap together), maybe because I have the special bond with my boys that my mom had with me, maybe because of these things I have become very, very close and protective over my family. I believe in Christ and look to His words often that talk about how we should protect our children. In today's world it can be a bad thing. I am one of the only friends I know anymore that practice attachment parenting. It can be hard and sometimes I want to throw in the towel. But when I see my boys making good decisions and becoming people that are too good to ever have come out of me, I know I am doing the right thing.
The first attitude that we have adopted is acceptance. If anything my family is doing causes us to feel elite, we're doing the wrong thing. Here and there since becoming a mom, shots get taken due to another mom's insecurity, due to misunderstandings, due to simply being a busybody, due to just being in a fallen world. Sometimes it can be harsh. We teach or kids to ignore what the world is doing. We teach that you are not always going to get rewarded for good behavior, that's not how our home works and that's not how life works. What they will get is to not go to their beds for the day, and one day to not get fired. Good reward is it's own behavior because they can be proud of the decent ethic they've developed. Sometimes I wonder if the world is creating punks that feel entitled to something because they haven't committed any crimes, when years ago it was just expected. Kids today won't behave if there's no tangible reward.
Another frustration that I'm dealing with big time right now has to do with homeschooling. One of the big, very practical reasons for hs'ing is so that the boys are not around certain behaviors all day long. Some might call it controlling, but I'm not concerned with the wisdom of man. I'm aware and protective of those they get close to. I tried heroin for the first time and lost my virginity before I hit puberty because of the friends I had. You had better believe that I am going to have a say in who they spend time with and who they behave like. Anyone who thinks that's controlling, probably got to have a normal childhood.
I am not going to abandon what the Lord is doing in our family just because He has another family on a different plan. I have seen the Lord do things that I don't understand. I actually tried talking Chris into quitting his job a year ago so that we could trust the Lord to take care of us financially(through our family and church). He didn't,that was not our plan to follow. I see that we are asked different things by our Lord. Sometimes what we are asked has some to do with what we've been through. Sometimes it's just what will help us grow the most. I can't expect another mom to understand that I'm not dropping my kid off to hang out with bad kids all day. But I am not going to try to follow someone else's plan either. Especially someone that I don't think is that great of a parent.
Chris and I are in organic church. When I want to see how things have been done before, I don't ask a pastor(anymore), but look to the early church. Christ gives us our past to answer our questions. The early workers give us charges as guidelines. They give us the practical of what's right and what's wrong. I take them seriously and don't throw them out the window just because I'm free. I believe in giving each other room to carry out Christ's desires for each of us, even if we don't understand them. Everyone that the Lord created(which is EVERYONE) deserves the right to have their life and family under Him. It gets sticky when we only allow certain plans room to breathe and demand that others get squashed.
I take pride in being careful with my words, try not to gossip, try not to practice intolerance(especially when most christians are blatant hypocrites when it comes to abortion and being gay), and let bad drivers sometimes cut me off when I'm driving. But I will not abandon the plan that was laid out before our family. There is room for Christ, and His plan in my life, they coexist. Anyone that can't handle that, should take a good look at their own plan and not throw stones at glass houses.
I know a guy that would love to be a part of an organic church. He is invested in the lives of organic church individuals all over the country. I wonder if anyone would dare say to his face that he isn't not following God's plan because he can't move? He is living in a place where no organic church exists, but his job is there. The Lord doesn't have us all doing the same thing. But those who develop a top dog mentality all of the sudden become okay with judging others. They encourage others to do what they themselves won't do. That's where this blog came from.
Christ came to love. He gives us each what we need in order to know Him better, in order that He is expressed, and so that we can experience with Him a love that's existed before time began. All else is secondary and filler so we can just relax. There's nothing so big or important that we need to worry about anything else other than what's on our own plate. The minute we take our eyes off of what's been entrusted to us, is the minute we become off course. We don't need to worry about why someone else needs something, or does something. If Christ has a part in any of it, we can trust it.
Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Maybe because of how I got pregnant, maybe because I was a single mom for the first few years(I moved in with my parents to give the hubby time to get his crap together), maybe because I have the special bond with my boys that my mom had with me, maybe because of these things I have become very, very close and protective over my family. I believe in Christ and look to His words often that talk about how we should protect our children. In today's world it can be a bad thing. I am one of the only friends I know anymore that practice attachment parenting. It can be hard and sometimes I want to throw in the towel. But when I see my boys making good decisions and becoming people that are too good to ever have come out of me, I know I am doing the right thing.
The first attitude that we have adopted is acceptance. If anything my family is doing causes us to feel elite, we're doing the wrong thing. Here and there since becoming a mom, shots get taken due to another mom's insecurity, due to misunderstandings, due to simply being a busybody, due to just being in a fallen world. Sometimes it can be harsh. We teach or kids to ignore what the world is doing. We teach that you are not always going to get rewarded for good behavior, that's not how our home works and that's not how life works. What they will get is to not go to their beds for the day, and one day to not get fired. Good reward is it's own behavior because they can be proud of the decent ethic they've developed. Sometimes I wonder if the world is creating punks that feel entitled to something because they haven't committed any crimes, when years ago it was just expected. Kids today won't behave if there's no tangible reward.
Another frustration that I'm dealing with big time right now has to do with homeschooling. One of the big, very practical reasons for hs'ing is so that the boys are not around certain behaviors all day long. Some might call it controlling, but I'm not concerned with the wisdom of man. I'm aware and protective of those they get close to. I tried heroin for the first time and lost my virginity before I hit puberty because of the friends I had. You had better believe that I am going to have a say in who they spend time with and who they behave like. Anyone who thinks that's controlling, probably got to have a normal childhood.
I am not going to abandon what the Lord is doing in our family just because He has another family on a different plan. I have seen the Lord do things that I don't understand. I actually tried talking Chris into quitting his job a year ago so that we could trust the Lord to take care of us financially(through our family and church). He didn't,that was not our plan to follow. I see that we are asked different things by our Lord. Sometimes what we are asked has some to do with what we've been through. Sometimes it's just what will help us grow the most. I can't expect another mom to understand that I'm not dropping my kid off to hang out with bad kids all day. But I am not going to try to follow someone else's plan either. Especially someone that I don't think is that great of a parent.
Chris and I are in organic church. When I want to see how things have been done before, I don't ask a pastor(anymore), but look to the early church. Christ gives us our past to answer our questions. The early workers give us charges as guidelines. They give us the practical of what's right and what's wrong. I take them seriously and don't throw them out the window just because I'm free. I believe in giving each other room to carry out Christ's desires for each of us, even if we don't understand them. Everyone that the Lord created(which is EVERYONE) deserves the right to have their life and family under Him. It gets sticky when we only allow certain plans room to breathe and demand that others get squashed.
I take pride in being careful with my words, try not to gossip, try not to practice intolerance(especially when most christians are blatant hypocrites when it comes to abortion and being gay), and let bad drivers sometimes cut me off when I'm driving. But I will not abandon the plan that was laid out before our family. There is room for Christ, and His plan in my life, they coexist. Anyone that can't handle that, should take a good look at their own plan and not throw stones at glass houses.
I know a guy that would love to be a part of an organic church. He is invested in the lives of organic church individuals all over the country. I wonder if anyone would dare say to his face that he isn't not following God's plan because he can't move? He is living in a place where no organic church exists, but his job is there. The Lord doesn't have us all doing the same thing. But those who develop a top dog mentality all of the sudden become okay with judging others. They encourage others to do what they themselves won't do. That's where this blog came from.
Christ came to love. He gives us each what we need in order to know Him better, in order that He is expressed, and so that we can experience with Him a love that's existed before time began. All else is secondary and filler so we can just relax. There's nothing so big or important that we need to worry about anything else other than what's on our own plate. The minute we take our eyes off of what's been entrusted to us, is the minute we become off course. We don't need to worry about why someone else needs something, or does something. If Christ has a part in any of it, we can trust it.
Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
freedom to be free
In one of the online communities I frequent, the question "why do you homeschool, in 5 lines or less?" was asked. I read through all the comments on the thread so far. I noticed a common theme... more or less every one's answer had to do with freedom.
No one likes to feel confined. It's stangling and I get out of breathe just thinking about it. When we first began this journey it was more about control than freedom. There was a bus stop outside my home and every morning I would watch little ones, with back backs bigger than their torsos, struggle to walk to the stop. They would stop every few feet and adjust the large bag so that they could walk a few more feet. It broke my heart. Thing 1's first day of school was fast approaching and I was getting nervous. At the time I still kept in contact with the moms in my natural birth circle. We all had intervention free, natural births. Since then we had kept in touch and encouraged each other in attachment parenting methods... breastfeeding, sharing a family bed, not crying it out, using slings rather than strollers. Anytime I talked to someone outside my group about these things I felt judged or misunderstood. Attachment parenting is uncommon and I have yet to meet others who practice it. Well, in this group the newest issue that we were beginning to talk about was school. Most of our babies were getting ready to begin pre-kindergarten. There was a lot of talk about homeschooling. In particular I remember the curriculum company A Beka coming up a few times. I went on the website one evening after a panic attack about the approaching "school year." Right away I knew that I could do this. And not only could I do it, but I was supposed to do it!
We are officially half way through our 4th year of homeschooling. I am learning that this journey isn't so that I can control my child's life, but so that I can have the freedom to let go. Being at home I can give the three little Things more freedom to do what they are interested in. We spend most of our time together so I don't need to guard our evening family time, the way I would if they were gone all day.
I believe that the Lord created the earth. I believe that science is looked at through the lens of Christ. I feel freedom and can relax in knowing that my child isn't being taught the opposite, like I was when I was in school. I like the freedom of slowing down if my kid needs more time or moving through quickly if it's something we are already familiar with.
I love the freedom of being able to do things and go places. We can finish our workbooks, experiments, and notebooking while on the road if we travel. We can take time off in order to do things like camp and go to Nickelodeon studios(like we are this week!) We don't have to take a 2 month long summer break and lose everything we introduced before the break. We take breaks when we need them and we don't take breaks when we don't.
I like the freedom of a tailor made curriculum. We don't need to learn about world history until they are ready. If they are fascinated by something we can go deep into the topic, if they are not, we can just learn the basics.
I like that my kids have the freedom to talk to and play with their friends and to avoid bullies. If they meet someone who's mean, they don't have to see that person 5 days a week. If they meet friends they love, they aren't forced to sit at a desk nearby and not talk to that person. A fellow mom shared with me that she was called "in" to the school because her son was in trouble for talking to his friend when they were supposed to be quiet. I know it's standard, but to me it reeks of disrespect. And because we are paying our taxes, but not taking anything from the school district, I have the freedom to say how I feel.
The list of freedom goes on and on, but I want to end with this...
We have the freedom to openly(openly is the key word here) include, talk about, talk to, and acknowledge the Lord all day long! I don't know how many times we have stopped to seek the Lord after I lose my temper or we are having a rough day. I want my kids to have that freedom. I want them to see me turn to the Lord through out my stressful days, and watch me thank the Lord on my calm days.
A side note that fits in here...
For a long time I felt like I needed to hide how glorious homeschooling is. I makes other un-comfy. I know this because of the responses I've gotten when I've complimented both homeschoolers and parents of school kids. I have a homeschool friend. I once complimented something I liked about her kids. She was very careful to deflect praise and say it had nthng to do with homeshooling. Most moms have no trouble fawning all over their kids. We are proud of them. But for homeschoolers, it's like we can't feel pride in what's being accomplished because it might make someone else feel bad. The thing is, I don't ever feel bad when a public schooled kid's mom is gushing over her kids. If we truly believe that public school/private school/homeschool is what's best for our kids, it shouldn't matter who's being complimented.
Happy homeschooling! Happy regular public schooling! Have a great day!
Love,
Jackie
No one likes to feel confined. It's stangling and I get out of breathe just thinking about it. When we first began this journey it was more about control than freedom. There was a bus stop outside my home and every morning I would watch little ones, with back backs bigger than their torsos, struggle to walk to the stop. They would stop every few feet and adjust the large bag so that they could walk a few more feet. It broke my heart. Thing 1's first day of school was fast approaching and I was getting nervous. At the time I still kept in contact with the moms in my natural birth circle. We all had intervention free, natural births. Since then we had kept in touch and encouraged each other in attachment parenting methods... breastfeeding, sharing a family bed, not crying it out, using slings rather than strollers. Anytime I talked to someone outside my group about these things I felt judged or misunderstood. Attachment parenting is uncommon and I have yet to meet others who practice it. Well, in this group the newest issue that we were beginning to talk about was school. Most of our babies were getting ready to begin pre-kindergarten. There was a lot of talk about homeschooling. In particular I remember the curriculum company A Beka coming up a few times. I went on the website one evening after a panic attack about the approaching "school year." Right away I knew that I could do this. And not only could I do it, but I was supposed to do it!
We are officially half way through our 4th year of homeschooling. I am learning that this journey isn't so that I can control my child's life, but so that I can have the freedom to let go. Being at home I can give the three little Things more freedom to do what they are interested in. We spend most of our time together so I don't need to guard our evening family time, the way I would if they were gone all day.
I believe that the Lord created the earth. I believe that science is looked at through the lens of Christ. I feel freedom and can relax in knowing that my child isn't being taught the opposite, like I was when I was in school. I like the freedom of slowing down if my kid needs more time or moving through quickly if it's something we are already familiar with.
I love the freedom of being able to do things and go places. We can finish our workbooks, experiments, and notebooking while on the road if we travel. We can take time off in order to do things like camp and go to Nickelodeon studios(like we are this week!) We don't have to take a 2 month long summer break and lose everything we introduced before the break. We take breaks when we need them and we don't take breaks when we don't.
I like the freedom of a tailor made curriculum. We don't need to learn about world history until they are ready. If they are fascinated by something we can go deep into the topic, if they are not, we can just learn the basics.
I like that my kids have the freedom to talk to and play with their friends and to avoid bullies. If they meet someone who's mean, they don't have to see that person 5 days a week. If they meet friends they love, they aren't forced to sit at a desk nearby and not talk to that person. A fellow mom shared with me that she was called "in" to the school because her son was in trouble for talking to his friend when they were supposed to be quiet. I know it's standard, but to me it reeks of disrespect. And because we are paying our taxes, but not taking anything from the school district, I have the freedom to say how I feel.
The list of freedom goes on and on, but I want to end with this...
We have the freedom to openly(openly is the key word here) include, talk about, talk to, and acknowledge the Lord all day long! I don't know how many times we have stopped to seek the Lord after I lose my temper or we are having a rough day. I want my kids to have that freedom. I want them to see me turn to the Lord through out my stressful days, and watch me thank the Lord on my calm days.
A side note that fits in here...
For a long time I felt like I needed to hide how glorious homeschooling is. I makes other un-comfy. I know this because of the responses I've gotten when I've complimented both homeschoolers and parents of school kids. I have a homeschool friend. I once complimented something I liked about her kids. She was very careful to deflect praise and say it had nthng to do with homeshooling. Most moms have no trouble fawning all over their kids. We are proud of them. But for homeschoolers, it's like we can't feel pride in what's being accomplished because it might make someone else feel bad. The thing is, I don't ever feel bad when a public schooled kid's mom is gushing over her kids. If we truly believe that public school/private school/homeschool is what's best for our kids, it shouldn't matter who's being complimented.
Happy homeschooling! Happy regular public schooling! Have a great day!
Love,
Jackie
Monday, December 5, 2011
Christmas is almost here and the act of giving has been on my mind. I want to share with you an inspiration that changed not only gift giving, but my life. Less is more and go green. It's a precious concept.
Chris and I made the decision 5 years ago to go green. It was difficult. Biodegradable products were not available the way they are today. We learned what we could about our ecological footprint, signed contracts with Mrs Meyers and Seventh Generation promising to live a certain lifestyle no matter how inconvenient it is. For example, we wash all clothes in cold water and hang them dry. See, a real pain in the tush.
Anyway, here's what I want to share... This year see how minimal you can be with wrapping and packaging. Give baskets put together by you. I have been doing that for years. It's usually less expensive and can change someone's life. My parents switched to organic sugar in their home because we gave them some in a coffee themed basket last year. They never would have tried it otherwise. Another more notable example is in my church. Chris and I buy green products in bulk. In the last year we have given most families that have moved here welcome baskets containing organic biodegradable products in addition to using them ourselves. I see that not only do they continue to use them, but they spread the word and other families use them too.
Going green is a lifestyle. When we went green it didn't stop at Christmas time, but it's a great time to implement green-ness. Some practical examples are to use newspaper as wrapping, give baskets of pretty wash clothes for the recipient to use as napkins on a table. Make and give organic spice mixes in glass mason jars. Put a personal touch on it with pretty fabric or string.
This is a very special topic close to my heart that I am excited to write about. Those closest to me joke about my earth friendly thriftiness. I am by no means putting judgement on those who don't do these things. No one is 100 percent green all the time. I will post here and there with more ideas and examples of what we've done and seen. Merry Christmas and happy gift giving friends!
Love,
Jackie
Chris and I made the decision 5 years ago to go green. It was difficult. Biodegradable products were not available the way they are today. We learned what we could about our ecological footprint, signed contracts with Mrs Meyers and Seventh Generation promising to live a certain lifestyle no matter how inconvenient it is. For example, we wash all clothes in cold water and hang them dry. See, a real pain in the tush.
Anyway, here's what I want to share... This year see how minimal you can be with wrapping and packaging. Give baskets put together by you. I have been doing that for years. It's usually less expensive and can change someone's life. My parents switched to organic sugar in their home because we gave them some in a coffee themed basket last year. They never would have tried it otherwise. Another more notable example is in my church. Chris and I buy green products in bulk. In the last year we have given most families that have moved here welcome baskets containing organic biodegradable products in addition to using them ourselves. I see that not only do they continue to use them, but they spread the word and other families use them too.
Going green is a lifestyle. When we went green it didn't stop at Christmas time, but it's a great time to implement green-ness. Some practical examples are to use newspaper as wrapping, give baskets of pretty wash clothes for the recipient to use as napkins on a table. Make and give organic spice mixes in glass mason jars. Put a personal touch on it with pretty fabric or string.
This is a very special topic close to my heart that I am excited to write about. Those closest to me joke about my earth friendly thriftiness. I am by no means putting judgement on those who don't do these things. No one is 100 percent green all the time. I will post here and there with more ideas and examples of what we've done and seen. Merry Christmas and happy gift giving friends!
Love,
Jackie
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